Wednesday, 26 May 2010

Nancy on the couch

I fear my hectic celebrity lifestyle might be starting to catch up with me.

In this week alone I have played cricket and baseball in the park, been flour-bombed by scouts, and chased up a tree by a dog with an inferiority complex. Add my all-night socialising, singing practice, and regular rounds of the local pubs into the mix and I think I might be on course for a Lindsey Lohan-style attack of 'exhaustion'.

After a bout of sneezing yesterday I decided to spend the night at home, only to be woken by one of my cat posse yowling underneath the bedroom window all night in an effort to get me to come out. Everyone wants a piece of me, and sometimes there just isn't enough to go round.

Like a true celebrity I blame the demands of my working schedule, and of course the pressures of media scrutiny. I've started therapy to help me deal with my issues of low self-esteem and my constant need to please, and am considering a trip to the Priory to de-tox and de-stress.

My therapist says I must listen to my inner kitten in order to heal my emotional self. I will have to reassess my relationships and cut out toxic influences on my life. It won't be an easy journey, but then when has an easy journey ever been a worthwhile journey (apart from the journey to the pub, perhaps)?

Who knows, perhaps in time I might be able to write my own self-help guide - 'The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Cats'.

If that fails, there's always prozac.

Thursday, 13 May 2010

How to solve a problem like Nancy.

Having completed the cover design for my debut album, I was suddenly struck by an idea so staggering in its simplicity that I can't believe I wasted so much time dabbling in politics: Nancy the Musical.

Andrew Lloyd-Webber has proved that he's not averse to milking - sorry, reviving - his early hits such as Phantom, so now surely the time has come for a sequel to Cats!

And of course there would be the inevitable spin-off TV talent-show hosted by Graham Norton to audition potential co-stars for me.

I will take my rightful place on my own judging throne next to Lord L-W, and pass judgment on the performances in a wry yet insightful manner, to the delight and amusement of the viewers at home.

I can see it now - cat-fights in the dressing room, the fur flying, tears every week as a contestant leaves with their tail between their legs, having missed out by a whisker.

Damn, I'm good. Someone get me Lloyd-Webber's phone number please!

Tuesday, 11 May 2010

A guaranteed number 1?

Here's my proposed debut album cover. What do you think?

Sunday, 9 May 2010

Virtuoso Nancy

Whilst surfing the cat blogosphere earlier this week, my attention was caught by the website of Nora, a moggy pianist from the US:

The cynic in me wanted to point out that Nora appears only to have one performance piece in her repertoire, but who am I to criticise a cat who has managed to build an international media profile on the back of a few tapped piano keys? (She even has her own line of merchandise. Respect.)

So, drawing strength from the saying that politics is showbusiness for the ugly, I have decided that my talents (and looks) are in fact much better suited to a career in showbiz than politics.

And like a true diva, music is my first love (although depending on how things go it might not be my last).

Given the absence of a piano in my house, I decided singing would have to be my instrument of choice, and went out onto the streets of Harpenden in the early hours of this morning to flex my vocal cords.

Readers, I do believe my impromptu open-air concert was a hit.

Certainly, the lady on Ox Lane whom I serenaded remarked that she'd 'never heard meowing like it', although admittedly she did eventually call my People to come and collect me. (I guess I still need to the learn the art of leaving them wanting more.)

So where do I go from here? I suppose I could enter Britain's Got Talent. There can be no doubt that I've got more talent in my little toe than most of the pond-life who get up on that stage. But I've never liked the look of that shifty Cowell fellow, and don't even get me started on the other two.

I think perhaps I would be wise to follow Nora's example and start with YouTube. I reckon a 30 second film of my singing at full throttle would have the internet at melt-down, and from then on all I'll need to do is sit back and wait for Oprah to call.

I'll go and get the camcorder.

Friday, 7 May 2010

As one door closes...

So there we have it. The British people have spoken, and although no-one's quite sure what they said, it is clear that they didn't say 'Let's give that plucky cat from Marquis Lane a chance'.

Just like Nick Clegg, I was unable to translate my popularity in the polls into votes.

I stayed at home to watch the election coverage last night but realising things were not looking good I went for a late night walk, ending in a protest sit-in on the doorstep of a house in Stewart Road in the early hours of this morning. But I found cold comfort there and at 7.30am they called my people to come and take me home.

Politics is a cruel business.

But do not despair, Nancy fans. So my route to celebrity will not be via 10 Downing Street, but that does not mean I am at the end of the road in my quest for fame!

The options before me are endless - newspaper columnist, agony aunt, tv pundit, restaurant critic. The world is my proverbial oyster (or at least, pouch of oyster flavoured chunks in jelly).

Watch this space, friends. In the words of the Terminator, I'll be back!

PS Dave, if you do need the support of the Independents to form a coalition just give me a call - I am of course happy to sacrifice all my principles and policies in the pursuit of power.

Thursday, 6 May 2010

Monday, 3 May 2010

Vote for change. Vote for Nancy.

As phase one of my quest for infamy I have spent much of the bank holiday weekend pressing the flesh in Harpenden. Tiring, yes. Cold and sometimes wet, yes again. But I'm confident that I've been on more doorsteps and met more 'real people' than either Bella, the tortoishell from next door, or the large ginger tom with the attitude who sprays all the gardens in my street.

Focus groups tell me that the Marquis Lane / Crabtree Lane areas are predominantly safe seats of Nancy-supporters, however the area to the west of Station Road is looking dangerously marginal.

So off I headed on Sunday in the direction of Sir John Lawes school, to meet some of the floaters.

It was not until I reached West Way that I could get a punter to invite me in, and even then she was reluctant, leaving me waiting on her doorstep for a good 20 minutes before finally opening up. Of course my charm offensive worked its usual magic and by the time I hit her with my proposed Working Cats Credit she was eating out of my paw.

Friends, there is much work still to be done, many people still to meet. But with your support I know that universal Nancy-awareness (in Harpenden North) is achievable!

Don't be fooled by the other cats. They're all style over substance.

Use your vote wisely - vote Nancy!

Sunday, 2 May 2010

The celebrity has landed

People often ask me 'What's it like to be a famous cat, Nancy?' Well, to be honest with you, it's the hardest job in the world sometimes. What with 24 hour news channels and tele-photo lenses it's easy to feel like you're never off duty.

To give you an example, earlier this week I was having a wash in the 'privacy' of my own back garden when, unknown to me, one of my People took a photo of me, posted it on the internet, and before I knew it a discussion was underway about the size of my rear end (size 0, in case you're wondering). Later I popped into a couple of my local pubs for a consolatory drink, just to find that my whereabouts were being monitored on Facebook.

Such is the price of fame, you might say. And you'd be right.

So, I've decided, if you can't beat 'em, join 'em. Clearly, there is a vacancy for a celebrity cat. The people want me. And what the people want, the people get. From now on I'm on a mission for maximum self-publicity.

If you ask me what I've done to deserve my fame you can talk to the paw, 'cause the face ain't listening. We all know you don't need to 'do' anything to be a celebrity these days. Just think of me as a feline version of Jordan.

Spread the word, Nancy fans - I've arrived!