Wednesday, 29 June 2011

Letter to Larry

Dear Larry,

I have followed your progress as Mouser-in-Chief at No 10 with interest, and, to be blunt, I feel you could do with some help. Admittedly, your charm offensive on the press has worked thus far (with the exception of the ITN reporter, but the less said about her the better), but I can't help noticing widespread suspicion that you are failing to deliver your brief.

I believe your owner said in a recent speech "We have obligations beyond our front door, beyond our street". Larry - he's onto you! Take my advice, you need to up your game or your days as the nation's First Cat could be numbered.

Fortunately for you, I have a solution in mind: you and I could form the world's first cat coalition. Before you dismiss the idea, remember that an unlikely coalition managed to get your owner into No 10 against the odds, and what's good enough for the Prime Minister is, surely, good enough for the Prime Minister's Cat.

I too am a cat with a career, a cat who is going places. Like you, I am familiar with the workings of the press, often having to defend my behaviour under the spotlight of public scrutiny. But please be reassured that under our coalition arrangement I would not steal your limelight. You are the feline face of No 10, and you would still get all the glory. I would simply be the power behind your throne... Peter Mandelson to your Gordon Brown, if you will.

Our mission statment could be Putting Cats at the Heart of the Big Society. That would be right up your owner's street, no?

In brief, here's how I see our manifesto:

  • A clampdown on illegal rodent immigration. Any rodent will have to demonstrate a minimum standard of English before being granted residency on British streets.

  • No-fly zones for birds in residential areas during cat nap-times.

  • One cat, one vote (on what should be served for dinner).

  • An immediate ban on the barbaric use of rectal thermometers on cats.

Simple, but effective, and I'm sure you'll agree Larry, that these are not just feline values, but universal values. I believe that, individually, we are great, but together, we are stronger. Our relationship would thrive because it advances our common interests and shared values. It is a perfect alignment of what we both need and what we both believe. Ours is not just a special relationship, it is an essential relationship - for us and for the world. *

A cat coalition, Larry. You know it makes sense.

I look forward to hearing your thoughts but in the meantime, remember, those mice won't catch themselves!

Kindest regards,

Nancy (the cat)

*I believe your owner borrowed my words for a speech when Obama popped in to No 10 for a barbecue. Power behind the throne, you see...

Monday, 13 June 2011

Nancy on wheels

The weather's turned rainy recently but, like a true pro, I have stoically continued with my punishing schedule of promotional activities around town. There have been times, however, when damp-induced physical discomfort has almost got the better of me.

Last night, for instance, I returned home after an evening's tour of duty whereupon my owners were kind enough to remark that I 'looked like a drowned rat'. I felt like shouting 'let's not forget which member of this household has the book deal and is therefore paying the bills!' But instead I opted for the passive-aggressive response, and tracked muddy pawprints across every dry/clean/soft surface I could find, finishing with a full-body twist'n'shake in front of the TV screen.

Their comment got me thinking, however, that there must be a more comfortable way of raising my profile: one that doesn't involve pounding the streets on all fours, in all weathers.

And then it hit me. I need a Nancymobile! That way I can be driven around, like the Pope, in a manner befitting my stature and gravitas, protected from the elements but on full view to my adoring public. A megaphone could be used to alert people to my imminent arrival ('Nancy's coming. Lock the dog in the kitchen and open the tuna.') I would be able to increase the range of my personal appearances to the other side of town, and beyond! And my fans will no longer feel obliged to drive me home themselves, as they will know my chauffeur (owner) is on hand for the return journey.

This is, surely, what they call a 'no-brainer'?

I shall tell my owners the good news tonight.

Tuesday, 7 June 2011

Don't call me fat...

As my book publication date approaches, I'm getting used to my owners being summoned to various meetings about my burgeoning career. Last week, it was a publicity meeting with my publishers. This week, it was the accountant's turn.

Apparently, as a feline-mogul-in-waiting I should have my own limited company. Partly for complicated (and, frankly, boring) tax reasons, but mostly to safeguard my financial affairs (ie keep my assets safe from the grasping hands of my owners). Naturally, I was delighted when my owners conveyed the news to me that I am to become a Director of Nancy, Inc.

To my mind, this company could mark the beginning of brand Nancy. I'm picturing merchandising, sponsorship deals, super-injunctions...

All things considered, I'm rather looking forward to being a Fat Cat.