Wednesday, 9 June 2010

Cat Haiku

Knowing what a cultured bunch my readers are, I have decided to put my life to verse, using the ancient Japanese form of haiku....

Lady with buggy
Talking to me in playground.
Will follow you home.
Watching and waiting,
Tom-cat seems keen to impress.
What's that funny smell?
If you don't want me
To jump on your bed at night,
Why have a cat flap?
Not sure where I am.
Must meow till door opens.
Come on, let me in.
Street needs new road sign:
'Give way to oncoming cats'
Drivers need to learn.
Dogs are so stupid,
Barking at me, high in tree.
Can't reach me here, fools!
Heading home for night,
Hear laughter from the Marquis.
Time for a swift one.
You will be amazed
How long I can make myself,
Stretched out on your bed.
Next up, Nancy: The Sonnets.

Monday, 7 June 2010

The Rules (for Cats)

I've been doing some research on what the experts have to say on the subject of dating etiquette (a subject close to my heart, as you know), and I stumbled across a copy of 'The Rules: Time-Tested Secrets for Capturing the Heart of Mr.Right'. Now this sounds like my kind of book!

I've had a quick flick through the chapters and think I can safely say that, without even knowing it, I am indeed a 'rules girl'.

Here's a few examples:

Be a 'Creature' Unlike Any Other
I think it goes without saying that this sentence could have been written about me.

Don't Talk to a Man First
As you all know, I let the men do the yowling.

Don't Stare at Men or Talk Too Much
See above (although I do perhaps need to work on the staring part - I have been known to deliver the occasional Medusa stare across the garden).

Don't Meet Him Halfway or Go Dutch on a Date
We always meet in my garden, naturally. As far as I know neither of us has ever paid on a date.

Don't Accept a Saturday Night Date after Wednesday
This one's a bit of a sticking point as I have been known to think it's still Saturday on Wednesday, but I've never knowingly broken this rule.

Stop Dating Him if He Doesn't Buy You a Romantic Gift for Your Birthday of Valentine's Day
As I explained in my last blog, a healthy tomcat spray around the hallway counts as a romantic gift for cats, so I think this one's covered.

Don't See Him More than Once or Twice a Week
I try to make a habit of not seeing ANYONE (human or cat) more than once or twice a week, so not a problem.

Let Him Take the Lead
Hmm. I'm not a dog, you know.

Be Honest but Mysterious
Check. To both.

Slowly Involve Him in Your Family
Well, he's had a few stand-offs with Pip in the back garden. Same thing.

Love Only Those Who Love You
Easy - EVERYONE loves me!

Tuesday, 1 June 2010

Sex and the Kitty

This week has seen me reach two major milestones - my first birthday and my first romantic entanglement.

The man in question (a Mr Big to my Carrie Bradshaw, if you like) is a rather attractive tabby and white tom. He started hanging around my garden last week, culminating in a night-long declaration of his affections in the form of yowling outside my bedroom window. Always a sucker for a good singing voice, and giving him credit for persistence, we hooked up.

Unfortunately, my Mr Big proved to be about as reliable as his namesake, and after a whirlwind 48 hour romance he vanished, leaving me feeling used and humiliated.

Having sought solace from my friends (sadly not over a Manhattan brunch, but on Facebook) I decided the loss was all his and that I was too good for him anyway.

As is so often the case, the effect of this was like catnip, and sure enough he was back a couple of nights later, taking up his old position at the bottom of the garden, waiting till we were all in bed before starting to serenade me.

Coming downstairs the following morning we found that, in addition to the singing, he had been in through the catflap and sprayed the downstairs hallway. (I tried to explain to my People that this is the feline equivalent of a dozen red roses, but they weren't having any of it.)

But this time I'm playing it cool. After all, I am still in my first flush of youth (you can draw your own comparison with Carrie Bradshaw here - enough Botox already, girlfriend!) and there may be a whole town of potential suitors out there just waiting to fall under my spell.

And of course I have to think of you, my readers. What would you all do if I traded my celebrity lifestyle for a life of boring domesticity?

So, sorry Mr Big, but no can do. I have dipped my paw in the pool of romance, but it is not for me. Yet.