Right, listen up, everyone. This is an appeal for help.
As you may know I will shortly be embarking on stage two of my media campaign, and the success of this may depend, in part, on me being able to prove my existing popularity. In this day and age, as I'm sure you already know, the scientific measure of popularity is number of Facebook friends.
Currently my friends tally is a modest 80, which is probably less than an acne-ridden teenager with halitosis could muster. I need to be aiming for at least 3 figures, if not 4. To give you an idea, that bloody dancing dog off Britain's Got Talent has got over 9,000. How can I compete with that?!
Now obviously there is an argument to say that quality is more important than quantity, which in some circumstances might be true, but, to be frank, in my situation is completely irrelevant. To a big-shot publisher wondering whether my memoirs would sell, quantity is all that matters. (Besides which it's not as if I've been particularly picky about who I've become friends with so far - without naming names we all know there are a few oddballs in my gang.)
So think of this as being a bit like one of those mawkish charity ad appeals you see on daytime TV. Picture me, looking miserable, hunched over my laptop, waiting for someone to befriend me (cue stirring orchestral background music). "Could you spare 30 seconds to help Nancy? No-one loves her. She's only got 80 friends on facebook. Her media career is over before it's even started." Cut to: me looking up excitedly as a 'friend request' message pops up on screen. "All you need to do is suggest Nancy as a friend to your friends, and you might just rescue this poor cat from the oblivion of anonymity." Fade out over wide shot of me typing happily away, chatting to all my new friends. On-screen caption reads: HELP FIND FRIENDS FOR NANCY.
The really great thing about my appeal is that you don't have to sign up to a monthly direct debit, and you won't get an annoying quarterly newsletter updating you on my progress, which is actually a thinly-veiled request for more money. So you get all the smug satisfaction of knowing that you've done your bit to help the animal(s), without any of the pain of having to spend money to do so.
So please, (cue rousing orchestral music again) think about your friends. If any of them like cats, or live in the area, or have a sense of humour (or even none of the above - like I said, I'm not fussy), send them a friend suggestion for me. Then when I'm on the red carpet at some awards ceremony they can feel the warm glow of satisfaction as they tell all their friends 'I helped that cat get to where she is now'.
PS In case anyone's reading this who isn't already a friend, you can find me on FB under Nancy Smalltown-Cat.