Only 274,778 places to go...

Pre-publicity for my memoirs (titled Sex and the Kitty - in case it has escaped your attention) has got underway this week. Two local newspapers dutifully covered news of my book deal, and cat blog Catster also ran the story. http://http://blogs.catster.com/kitty-news-network/2011/07/04/british-glamor-puss-lands-book-deal/

The immediate effect has been lots of new followers for me on Facebook and Twitter, and a growing (and possibly unhealthy) obsession with my Amazon sales graph. How the rankings are calculated remains a mystery, especially given the book is not even on sale yet. But there seems to be have a definite spike in my position this week, so I can only assume that pre-orders have been placed! I am now soaring at the giddy heights of #274,779 in the UK rankings (out of over 5,000,000 books, I should add).

Some of my longstanding facebook friends have expressed a concern that I might become big-headed as my fame continues to grow. To them, I would like to offer reassurance, with the utmost sincerity, that this will not be the case.

I was already big-headed.

Letter to Larry

Dear Larry,

I have followed your progress as Mouser-in-Chief at No 10 with interest, and, to be blunt, I feel you could do with some help. Admittedly, your charm offensive on the press has worked thus far (with the exception of the ITN reporter, but the less said about her the better), but I can't help noticing widespread suspicion that you are failing to deliver your brief.

I believe your owner said in a recent speech "We have obligations beyond our front door, beyond our street". Larry - he's onto you! Take my advice, you need to up your game or your days as the nation's First Cat could be numbered.

Fortunately for you, I have a solution in mind: you and I could form the world's first cat coalition. Before you dismiss the idea, remember that an unlikely coalition managed to get your owner into No 10 against the odds, and what's good enough for the Prime Minister is, surely, good enough for the Prime Minister's Cat.

I too am a cat with a career, a cat who is going places. Like you, I am familiar with the workings of the press, often having to defend my behaviour under the spotlight of public scrutiny. But please be reassured that under our coalition arrangement I would not steal your limelight. You are the feline face of No 10, and you would still get all the glory. I would simply be the power behind your throne... Peter Mandelson to your Gordon Brown, if you will.

Our mission statment could be Putting Cats at the Heart of the Big Society. That would be right up your owner's street, no?

In brief, here's how I see our manifesto:

• A clampdown on illegal rodent immigration. Any rodent will have to demonstrate a minimum standard of English before being granted residency on British streets.


• No-fly zones for birds in residential areas during cat nap-times.


• One cat, one vote (on what should be served for dinner).


• An immediate ban on the barbaric use of rectal thermometers on cats.

Simple, but effective, and I'm sure you'll agree Larry, that these are not just feline values, but universal values. I believe that, individually, we are great, but together, we are stronger. Our relationship would thrive because it advances our common interests and shared values. It is a perfect alignment of what we both need and what we both believe. Ours is not just a special relationship, it is an essential relationship - for us and for the world. *

A cat coalition, Larry. You know it makes sense.

I look forward to hearing your thoughts but in the meantime, remember, those mice won't catch themselves!

Kindest regards,

Nancy (the cat)

*I believe your owner borrowed my words for a speech when Obama popped in to No 10 for a barbecue. Power behind the throne, you see...

If I had my own magazine...

Nancy on wheels

The weather's turned rainy recently but, like a true pro, I have stoically continued with my punishing schedule of promotional activities around town. There have been times, however, when damp-induced physical discomfort has almost got the better of me.

Last night, for instance, I returned home after an evening's tour of duty whereupon my owners were kind enough to remark that I 'looked like a drowned rat'. I felt like shouting 'let's not forget which member of this household has the book deal and is therefore paying the bills!' But instead I opted for the passive-aggressive response, and tracked muddy pawprints across every dry/clean/soft surface I could find, finishing with a full-body twist'n'shake in front of the TV screen.

Their comment got me thinking, however, that there must be a more comfortable way of raising my profile: one that doesn't involve pounding the streets on all fours, in all weathers.

And then it hit me. I need a Nancymobile! That way I can be driven around, like the Pope, in a manner befitting my stature and gravitas, protected from the elements but on full view to my adoring public. A megaphone could be used to alert people to my imminent arrival ('Nancy's coming. Lock the dog in the kitchen and open the tuna.') I would be able to increase the range of my personal appearances to the other side of town, and beyond! And my fans will no longer feel obliged to drive me home themselves, as they will know my chauffeur (owner) is on hand for the return journey.

This is, surely, what they call a 'no-brainer'?

I shall tell my owners the good news tonight.

Don't call me fat...

As my book publication date approaches, I'm getting used to my owners being summoned to various meetings about my burgeoning career. Last week, it was a publicity meeting with my publishers. This week, it was the accountant's turn.

Apparently, as a feline-mogul-in-waiting I should have my own limited company. Partly for complicated (and, frankly, boring) tax reasons, but mostly to safeguard my financial affairs (ie keep my assets safe from the grasping hands of my owners). Naturally, I was delighted when my owners conveyed the news to me that I am to become a Director of Nancy, Inc.

To my mind, this company could mark the beginning of brand Nancy. I'm picturing merchandising, sponsorship deals, super-injunctions...

All things considered, I'm rather looking forward to being a Fat Cat.

Nancy the Movie

As the publication date for my memoir approaches, my time is increasingly taken up with demands of a marketing nature. My excellent US publishers are orchestrating a multimedia publicity campaign, once facet of which is a promotional video starring, of course, me. Film actress is one of the few strings still lacking from my professional bow, so I jumped at the chance to star in my very own biopic.


Let me tell you, being a movie star is not as easy as it looks. Finding my motivation was the easy part. It was the production team (my owners), and the technology which let me down. Several of my 'artistic visions' had to be disregarded due to budgetary constraints (I tried telling them that you get what you pay for, but to no avail). Apparently casts of thousands, elaborate special effects and state-of-the-art post production techniques are out of the question. Ditto a soundtrack featuring copyrighted music. Ditto CGI animation. Ditto professional on-set catering. You get the picture.


What I do have is a laptop, my imagination, and two owners who claim they want to help but seem to spend most of their time telling me what I can't do. If I'm honest with you, the atmosphere at Nancy HQ is starting to get somewhat tense. Having done my bit and produced a simple but effective storyboard, I left the humans to get to grips with the minutiae of the editing software. How hard can that be, right? Judging by the looks on their faces when I returned home at the end of the night, they had failed dismally to fulfil their end of the bargain.


Now they're driving me mad with their incessant demands - to sit in certain places, to pull certain facial expressions, to be awake when they decide to shout 'action'. They have no idea how to handle 'talent'. One of them had the cheek to say working with me is like working with Charlie Sheen. They should be careful what they wish for: I've got quite a rant brewing inside me, and it would only take one ill-timed 'can we just try that again?' for me to unleash my own violent torpedo of truth.


I've had enough. I slipped out of the house yesterday during a break in filming and have not been home since. I'll go back when they've calmed down and are able to conduct themselves in a professional manner. Right now, I need to be alone.

Nancy TV

I spent last week incarcerated at the cattery (sharing a hutch with Pip. Say no more.) In between the usual cattery pastimes (yowling at the staff, sleeping, yowling at the other cat inmates, sleeping, just yowling) I found a new way to while away the time: devising reality TV formats for cats. As something of a connoisseur of the human reality TV genre, I am convinced that many shows would benefit from feline reversioning.

Here are some of my favourites:

Pimp my Pride
Feline stylist Nan-C (me) helps a tom-cat whose alpha status is at risk because his pride of females is looking frumpy. I work some makeover magic - a little back-combing here, a mani/pedi there - and voila! the ladies are smokin' hot and rockin' da hood again. Alpha status restored.*

Jersey Paws
Observational documentary series about the notoriously brash cats of Jersey Shore, New York. Featuring big fur, big muscles, big personalities, and accents you could strip walls with. Not for the faint-hearted.

Nancy's New BFF
Feline socialite Nancy (you guessed it) travels the country looking for a new 'best feline friend' in the ultimate feline friendship test. The 16 candidates have to prove they can party but also that they have taste and class. Game on, bitches!

My Big Cat Gypsy Wedding
Lions and tigers from a travelling circus tie the knot in a frenzy of fake tan and pink taffetta.

How to Lick Cod Naked
Pretty self-explanatory, this one. A vital life-skill for any gourmet feline.

Five strong ideas, I'm sure you'll agree. I can't wait to hear back from the TV networks I have sent them to.

Now I just need to get the cattery to install a 40 inch flat-screen in my hutch and I'll be happy to book in for another week. Even Pip can come, as long as he brings the popcorn.



*OK I know this is not the most politically correct format, but that never stopped anyone from watching a reality show, right?