Today is Britain's first national strike day for decades, and I have been pondering the issue of democratic protest (from my vantage point on the wooden chest next to the radiator). The question no-one has yet asked: how should the country's feline population express dissatisfaction with its own working conditions? We have rights just like everyone else, and surely we are also entitled to express our views?
For the sake of argument, let's say a (hypothetical) cat was unhappy with the living conditions offered by her owner. What would her choices be?
Stirke days are all well and good for humans, but the 'down tools' approach presupposes that twelve hours of lying semi-comatose on a sofa does not, in fact, constitute a perfectly normal working day. If our dissatisfied hypothetical feline decided to spend, say, an extra hour of the day asleep, would her owners even notice?
More extreme methods may be called for, such as the tried and tested Hunger Strike. Our disaffected moggy could turn her nose up at all food offered by her owners for a 24 hour period (any longer would be craziness). I'm sure all my feline readers will recognise the feeling of power that comes from delivering the withering 'you call that food?' look as your owner squeezes some reconstituted gristle out of an own-brand pouch. To really ram the point home, it's best to sniff disconsolately at the mushy chunks before exiting swiftly through the cat flap. This technique works best in the summer months, when the piles of uneaten food will soon be swarming with bluebottles. This tactic's disadvantage, however, is that it does involve going hungry, or at the very least dragging yourself out of the house and going next door to eat their cat's food instead.
Protest marches, demonstrations, rallies - all make me shudder with the sheer amount of activity involved. And there's the rub, I suppose. Cats are simply not activists by nature. We are inactivists. We need a method of protest which doesn't involve going hungry, doesn't require planning and organisation, and definitely doesn't entail being outside for long periods in inclement weather.
So that's settled then. Unless anyone can come up with a better idea, we'll pee in your shoes.