Feline bete noir: the cat flap

I sometimes think humans don't appreciate how tough life can be for us cats. You think all we do all day is sleep, eat, and kill things and, by and large, you are right, but you fail to appreciate the many irritants, inadequacies and shortcomings which we tolerate on a daily basis.

As a writer, my requirements are simple. I need access to the computer, I need comfortable sleeping quarters, and I need to be able to get outside quickly to answer the call of nature (or if I have seen a juicy wren or blackbird boucing across the lawn).

There is only one thing standing between me and aforesaid avian snack, and it has nothing to do with my hunting prowess. It is the cat flap.

Could someone please tell me who invented this device, because I would like to send them a sharply worded email.

Can you imagine an episode of Dragons' Den in which some wide-eyed inventor turns up with a human equivalent of the cat flap: a hinged plastic window which you have to force open with your head?

The Dragons wouldn't even give it the time of day.

A method of entering and exiting in which the plastic flap either swings back and hits you on the nose on your way out, or catches the tip of your tail on your way in - is that really the best design humankind could come up with?

Would it be impossible to invent a device, say, with sliding doors which sense your approach and slide open in readiness for you? Perhaps with an accompanying announcement for human owners: 'Attention! Incoming feline! Prepare bowl of cat crunchies!'

Now that's an invention I would invest in. But until then, to quote the Dragons, 'I'm out' (with a sore tail and bruised nose).

I'm back!

Have you missed me?

In case you were unaware, I have spent the last few months toiling away on my memoirs, due for publication this year.*

The book is nearly finished - I'm just doing final edits with the help of my long-suffering editor in the US. She's learning fast, for a human.
I won't give too much away but I'm confident there's something in it for everyone - tears, laughter, romance, hairballs...

Meanwhile, I have decided to make an early start on my marketing strategy, and have set up a Fan page for myself on Facebook (under 'Nancy the Cat'). I rather like the idea of having 'fans', I think it sets a good precedent for the future. I struggled with which category to select, though. So many of them seemed to apply: public figure, writer, comedian, entertainer. I opted for 'writer' in the end, although I was rather tempted by 'monarch'.

So with a bit of luck the book will be finished and off to the printers soon, and I will have more time on my paws for my blog. I must say it is liberating to be able to write what I like without having to run it past an editor first, and see it come back with comments in the margin saying 'I don't get it. Is this meant to be funny?'

I joke of course. It's all funny!

Prepare yourselves for the onslaught of my publicity campaign. It's coming soon...

*Sex and the Kitty, available in all good book stores, Autumn 2011

New Kid on the Blog

Whilst working on the first chapters of my memoirs, I have found it difficult to resist the temptation to check out my competition in the cat blogger market. I naively thought this would be a helpful part of my 'research and development' phase, but as any as-yet-unpublished author will tell you, there is nothing more likely to awaken your own insecurities as a writer than reading the work of your rivals.

Rather alarmingly, I have discovered that being a cat who writes is not, in fact, unusual. In the blogosphere, it seems that there is hardly a cat out there who does NOT write. Who knew there was so much literary talent among the cat population? I certainly didn't.

A fact that I am unable to ignore is that most of these cats live in the US. Maybe it's something they put in the water over there, but these cats know a thing or two about self-publicity. They don't just have cats with blogs, they have award ceremonies for cats with blogs: http://dogtime.com/sparkle-cat-petties-best-cat-blog-winner-interview.html
And they have weekend conferences for cats with blogs, where cats can discuss the merits of different blog layouts, or share tips on how to get published: http://www.catwriters.org/annual-info.html

What have we got here in the UK for ambitious cat writers like myself? Anwers on a postcard, if you can think of any. I can't.

Of course the most elite band within the cat blogging community (the Kitterati, you could say) are the cats who have achieved the elusive status of published author. It goes without saying that this is the holy grail for most cat bloggers. But what is it that sets the bona-fide authors apart the amateur cat bloggers? While I write my own memoirs this is the million-dollar question I must keep in mind.

These published cats fill their blog posts with updates about their hectic schedules involving book signings, awards ceremonies, and positions on bestseller lists. Not for them the blogs posts about the mundanities of everyday life in a small town. Their (thousands of) followers would expect more than details of who they met at the park, where they spent the night, or what they had for breakfast.

Another alarming trend I have noticed among the Kitterati is that they all seem to have some special talent or skill (in addition to their aptitude for writing, of course). They are supermodels, or actors, or have special healing powers. Some of them have overcome the adversity of a physical disability. How can a common-or-garden moggy such as myself compete with cats like these?

But then maybe this is my innate English reserve speaking. Perhaps I need to find some of that famous American 'can-do' spirit. As someone once said, your only obstacle to success is yourself (or something like that, I can't be bothered to google it for accuracy. Let's just attribute it to Oprah - it sounds like something she might say).

The simple fact of the matter is that, in order to achieve the global media domination I crave, I am going to have to do what the Spice Girls never managed: I am going to have to crack the US market. And for me that means playing those American cats at their own game. Or perhaps more accurately, holding onto their (coat-)tails and hoping that some of their success rubs off on me.

So, for now, my marketing strategy is to make nice with the Americans. I will have to hope that some of my self-deprecating English charm can be conveyed through my writing (and all Americans love an English accent, right?) I will be like the Ricky Gervais of the cat world - you'll think I'm a bit kooky, but loveable and funny nonetheless, and before you know it I'll have taken over your airwaves and you'll be sick of the sight of me.

Sounds like a plan to me.

Nancy No-Mates

Right, listen up, everyone. This is an appeal for help.

As you may know I will shortly be embarking on stage two of my media campaign, and the success of this may depend, in part, on me being able to prove my existing popularity. In this day and age, as I'm sure you already know, the scientific measure of popularity is number of Facebook friends.

Currently my friends tally is a modest 80, which is probably less than an acne-ridden teenager with halitosis could muster. I need to be aiming for at least 3 figures, if not 4. To give you an idea, that bloody dancing dog off Britain's Got Talent has got over 9,000. How can I compete with that?!

Now obviously there is an argument to say that quality is more important than quantity, which in some circumstances might be true, but, to be frank, in my situation is completely irrelevant. To a big-shot publisher wondering whether my memoirs would sell, quantity is all that matters. (Besides which it's not as if I've been particularly picky about who I've become friends with so far - without naming names we all know there are a few oddballs in my gang.)

So think of this as being a bit like one of those mawkish charity ad appeals you see on daytime TV. Picture me, looking miserable, hunched over my laptop, waiting for someone to befriend me (cue stirring orchestral background music). "Could you spare 30 seconds to help Nancy? No-one loves her. She's only got 80 friends on facebook. Her media career is over before it's even started." Cut to: me looking up excitedly as a 'friend request' message pops up on screen. "All you need to do is suggest Nancy as a friend to your friends, and you might just rescue this poor cat from the oblivion of anonymity." Fade out over wide shot of me typing happily away, chatting to all my new friends. On-screen caption reads: HELP FIND FRIENDS FOR NANCY.

The really great thing about my appeal is that you don't have to sign up to a monthly direct debit, and you won't get an annoying quarterly newsletter updating you on my progress, which is actually a thinly-veiled request for more money. So you get all the smug satisfaction of knowing that you've done your bit to help the animal(s), without any of the pain of having to spend money to do so.

So please, (cue rousing orchestral music again) think about your friends. If any of them like cats, or live in the area, or have a sense of humour (or even none of the above - like I said, I'm not fussy), send them a friend suggestion for me. Then when I'm on the red carpet at some awards ceremony they can feel the warm glow of satisfaction as they tell all their friends 'I helped that cat get to where she is now'.



PS In case anyone's reading this who isn't already a friend, you can find me on FB under Nancy Smalltown-Cat.

Teenage Kicks

Writing is, believe it or not, a tiring activity, and can also be emotionally draining. So having finally completed the first chapter of my memoires, I felt I owed myself a little R&R.

I started the evening by popping into the Marquis to find out who was around, and see if anyone was up for a big one. I ran into the usual Crabtree Lane suspects: Murphy (my on/off boyfriend), Blackie, and Molly. One thing led to another and before we knew it word had got round and we had something of an impromptu street party going on. One of the cats had the house to himself as his owners were away* so we all piled in through his cat flap and raided his kitchen. I think it's safe to say that a good time was had by all (his owners always keep a well-stocked larder).

You know there's a point on any night out, when the evening could go either way? Kind of like a 'Sliding Doors' scenario where in one version everyone goes home to bed and wakes up fresh as a daisy the next morning, but in another version a collective decision is made to take the party to the next level? Well that happened to us last night, and let's just say we didn't decide to call it a night. Instead, some bright spark (it could well have been me) suggested that we do a 'house crawl' along Crabtree Lane to see if we could pick up any more cats, and possibly more munchies en route. Molly the tabby started moaning that we might get caught and decided to stay put - she's all fur coat and no knickers that one - but the rest of us set off in pursuit of good times.

As usual, I was de facto leader, so I slipped in through the conservatory door of Murphy's next door neighbour Kim. I've been in Kim's house loads of times before, and I know where she keeps the refreshments, so I headed straight for the kitchen. I turned round expecting to see my gang right behind me, but instead I realised (too late) that the door had been shut behind me and I was trapped. Not only that, but Kim was picking up the phone to call my owners (or the police, or possibly both).

I couldn't believe I'd been so stupid! Molly's words of caution were ringing in my ears, but yet again I'd let my heart rule my head, and now I was going to pay the price for it. I spent the next 10 minutes yowling in the kitchen, trying to warn my gang (who I knew were waiting for me outside) to leg it, but I also knew they probably couldn't hear me. Meanwhile I tried not to think about how much trouble I was going to be in with my owners. I was aware that I had not been home for a while (OK, two and a half days) and that they'd been trying to contact me. Anticipation of the inevitable telling-off, combined with the humiliation factor of having the party broken up by my owners, meant that this was not shaping up to be quite the evening I'd had planned.

Sure enough, before long I heard a car pulling up outside, followed by a knock on the door. I could hear my owner's voice thanking the Kim for calling, and apologising for my behaviour (slightly unnecessary, I thought - no one got hurt!). Next thing I knew the kitchen door was open and Kim was picking me up to hand me over to my owner. Obviously I did what any self-respecting party-cat would do and exploded into a frenzy of claws to try and escape. The shock of my reaction succeeded in loosening her grasp long enough for me to jump. If I'm honest I didn't really have a long-term plan, other than somehow to make my escape and then lie low until the dust settled. The plan didn't work though (damn those slippery tiled floors!) and I soon felt my owner's hands around my middle.

As predicted, all the gang were waiting outside the front door, to witness my final humiliation of being carried like a baby to my owner's car. Murphy made a futile show of solidarity by following us to the car (even sitting in front of the wheels by way of protest). Molly on the other hand was unbearably smug (as usual), observing proceedings with a look of 'I told you so' written all over her face. I let out an audible growl in her direction just to let her know I had noticed, but even this earned me a rebuke from my owner.

I was thrown, rather unceremoniously, into the back seat of the car, where I pressed my paws against the window as we drove off, watching the desolate faces of my friends disappear into the distance.

In my Sliding Doors alternative life, I am probably lying in a sunbeam right now, wondering what to do with myself today -who to visit, what adventures to have. Instead I am in the proverbial dog house, being told to get on with my writing and not cause any more mischief.

I know where I'd rather be.



*I'll preserve his anonymity so he doesn't get into trouble

Writer's block

I have recently begun writing my memoirs. As Harpenden's premier celebrity cat I felt it was only right and proper, and I have made at least 3 advance book sales to Facebook friends alone.

However, I have discovered that the path to literary greatness is not an easy one. It's a lot more challenging than writing a status update, or even a blog (about 70,000 words more challenging, to be precise). The good news is that my agent tells me that what my book needs is 'a journey'. You've come to the right cat, I told her, journeys are my speciality. One time I even got as far as Wheathampstead. Turns out this wasn't quite the sort of journey she had in mind, but it's a start.

The main problem I'm facing at the moment is the perennial scourge of the author: writer's block. It's not so much that I don't know what to write, it's just that there are so many - dare I say it - more exciting things I could be doing with my time (all in the name of research, of course).

For instance, I started writing a chapter about my favourite Harpenden pub, when I suddenly realised I couldn't remember the exact layout of seating options there, and nor could I recall precisely the cupboard in the kitchen where the chef keeps the tuna. Among writers this is known as the 'tyranny of detail', and of course it meant that I had to pop down to aforesaid pub and sample both the seating and the tuna in order to be able to continue writing the chapter. If you can imagine this scene multiplied by a thousand, you will have some understanding of my current dilemma.

There are also the numerous distractions of writing at home to be overcome. My desk overlooks the back garden, which at this time of year is positively buzzing with activity: cats passing through, wildlife taunting me, sunbeams just waiting to be napped in. Plus I have to cope with the added distraction of the little people in the house who, when they are not trying to distract me with their toys, are pestering to use my computer themselves.

I am trying to console myself with the fact that JK Rowling managed to write Harry Potter during her baby daughter's naps. Clearly, where there's a will there's a way (although did JK also have a facebook page and a blog to maintain at the same time? I doubt it). But if JK can do it, so can I.

First, though, I think it's time for a nap.

Cat Haiku

Knowing what a cultured bunch my readers are, I have decided to put my life to verse, using the ancient Japanese form of haiku....

Lady with buggy

Talking to me in playground.

Will follow you home.

******************

Watching and waiting,

Tom-cat seems keen to impress.

What's that funny smell?

******************

If you don't want me

To jump on your bed at night,

Why have a cat flap?

******************

Not sure where I am.

Must meow till door opens.

Come on, let me in.

***************

Street needs new road sign:

'Give way to oncoming cats'

Drivers need to learn.

*************

Dogs are so stupid,

Barking at me, high in tree.

Can't reach me here, fools!

*************

Heading home for night,

Hear laughter from the Marquis.

Time for a swift one.

**************

You will be amazed

How long I can make myself,

Stretched out on your bed.

**************

Next up, Nancy: The Sonnets.