New York Kitty

As my Facebook friends will already know, I have just got back from a promotional tour of the US (well, New York City). In spite of a somewhat uncomfortable journey over in my owner's luggage, sandwiched between the shoes and the hairdryer, I would say the trip overall was a big success.

As well as being wined and dined by my US publishers, I made something of a pilgrimage around the Manhattan branches of Barnes and Noble in order to see Sex and the Kitty on the shelves.

I'll admit I was disappointed at first not to find my memoir on either the 'Bestseller' or 'Recommended' tables, but I suppose it is a little too soon for that. For readers of mine based in the US, the 'Humor' section is where you will find me, sandwiched between books about Farts, Assholes, and other similaraly scatalogical subjects.

Contemplating the low-grade publications on either side of my slim but stylish volume, I came to the conclusion that the understated elegance of my book is in fact highlighted by the crassness of these rival offerings.

I'm sure that any customer searching for a book that will make them smile (and which they will not be ashamed to be seen reading in public) will have no hesitation in choosing Sex and the Kitty over a book about bodily functions.

Remember, a fart might be for Christmas, but a Kitty's for life.

If cats had apps...

I've had a busy weekend. In addition to putting my film-making skills to good use with my new catcam (of which more later), I've also been working up a few Nancy merchandising concepts. Traditionally, celebrity cats tend to focus on 'old-school' merchandising lines: calendars, soft toys, yada yada yada.

However, as a multi-media-enabled, tech-savvy feline, I've decided to go for something more in tune with today's society...

The Nancy App.

Your chance to get the virtual Nancy experience, for just $1.99!

Another lovely review!

I think I've found a new best friend.

Lovely Pauline who writes the Daily Mews (http://www.thedailymews.com/) has just written this fab review of my book, AND invited me to become a regular columnist for her Mewsletter!

http://www.thedailymews.com/bookproductreviews/sex_and_the_kitty.htm

Whisper it, but my owners could learn a thing or two from Pauline about how to treat a celebrity cat.

Follow the love, is all I'm saying.

They have been warned.

How to be a writer: Tips for Cats.

Some say that ‘every cat has at least one book inside them’. I certainly did (my first book Sex and the Kitty is out now!) But what of all the other cats out there, who dream of literary success but wouldn’t know where to start? Is a posthumous, ghosted biography the best they can hope for?

Not necessarily.

As a published feline (and a ghost-free one, at that) I feel well-placed to advise aspiring literary cats on how to make it in the cut-throat world of 21st century publishing.

So listen up, kitties. You want to be a writer? Here’s the deal.

First, you need an idea. This sounds deceptively simple. Of course it helps if you are a compulsively extrovert cat with a thirst for self-publicity, like me. Not all cats are so blessed. Whatever your personality, you will need to find your USP. There are a lot of kitties out there wanting to get published. What have you got to say that other cats (and humans) will want to hear?

When you’ve nailed your idea, you need to get an agent. And by agent, I don’t mean an owner with a house covered in cat hair who thinks the sun shines out of your litter tray. I mean a proper agent. One who knows how to harness your literary talents and, most importantly, what’s going to sell. She doesn’t need to be a cat lover, but she does need to know how to pitch your idea, and who to pitch it to.

Once you’ve got an agent behind you, it’s time to start writing. Brace yourselves, this is the tricky part. Now I know what you’re thinking: how hard can it be for a cat to knock out 60,000-odd words of literary genius? But trust me, it’s not as easy as it sounds.

First things first, if you want to write, you need to establish a routine. Unnatural as it is for a cat, you must discipline yourself. You need to resist the continual feline urge to nap, at least until a rough draft of a chapter is on paper. If writer’s block strikes (and it happens to the best of us), I recommend heading outdoors for a hunting session. It’s amazing how slaughtering wildlife can get the creative juices flowing.

If you set your mind to it, you should be able to write two chapters a week. Reach your target, and you can reward yourself with a treat: an extra long wash/nap combo in a sunbeam, or some quality time with a fresh pouch of lamb chunks in gravy. Keep up this level of productivity and you should have a first draft to deliver to your publisher in twelve weeks.

One final thing: for goodness sake, learn to spell. Yes, I know the LOLcats get away with the phonetic mis-spelling conceit. A photo of ‘cyoot kittehs’ with an amusing caption might be enough on the internet, but, take my word for it, it won’t cut the mustard with publishing professionals. No excuses, kitties, You can haz Spellcheck.

I can’t write your book for you, but follow my simple rules and you too could be a published cat. Good luck!

Letter to Anna Wintour

Dear Ms Wintour,

Much as it saddens me to do so, I am writing to complain about the profile of me which ran in July's issue of Vogue.

http://www.vogue.com/magazine/article/sarah-jessica-parker-show-and-tell/

It's not just that most of the article is, inexplicably, padded with an unnecessary (and dare I say, gushing) interview with Sarah Jessica Parker (who she?) More worrying (and unprofessional) than that, when your journalist does finally get around to the topic du jour, my forthcoming memoir Sex and the Kitty - a celebrity Meowmoir, she makes two grave factual inaccuracies.

Firstly, she erroneously describes my lifetime's chef d'oeuvre as a 'novelty book'.

As if that were not crushing enough, she then perversely insists on attributing the work to my owner. Surely a journalist of a high enough calibre to write for American Vogue should understand that the word 'memoir'* generally implies that a book was written by its subject? Not by its subject's owner.

Ms Wintour, how would you feel if your cat tried to pass itself off as editor of Vogue? A little peeved, perhaps? Somewhat chagrined? Maybe even 'the full Nuclear'?

Now you know how I felt upon reading that my 'novelty' memoir was apparently not even written by me.

I will let it pass on this occasion, but next time I might not be so understanding.

You have been warned.

Nancy (the Cat)

*ok so it actually says 'meowmoir' but you get my point.

Only 274,778 places to go...

Pre-publicity for my memoirs (titled Sex and the Kitty - in case it has escaped your attention) has got underway this week. Two local newspapers dutifully covered news of my book deal, and cat blog Catster also ran the story. http://http://blogs.catster.com/kitty-news-network/2011/07/04/british-glamor-puss-lands-book-deal/

The immediate effect has been lots of new followers for me on Facebook and Twitter, and a growing (and possibly unhealthy) obsession with my Amazon sales graph. How the rankings are calculated remains a mystery, especially given the book is not even on sale yet. But there seems to be have a definite spike in my position this week, so I can only assume that pre-orders have been placed! I am now soaring at the giddy heights of #274,779 in the UK rankings (out of over 5,000,000 books, I should add).

Some of my longstanding facebook friends have expressed a concern that I might become big-headed as my fame continues to grow. To them, I would like to offer reassurance, with the utmost sincerity, that this will not be the case.

I was already big-headed.

Letter to Larry

Dear Larry,

I have followed your progress as Mouser-in-Chief at No 10 with interest, and, to be blunt, I feel you could do with some help. Admittedly, your charm offensive on the press has worked thus far (with the exception of the ITN reporter, but the less said about her the better), but I can't help noticing widespread suspicion that you are failing to deliver your brief.

I believe your owner said in a recent speech "We have obligations beyond our front door, beyond our street". Larry - he's onto you! Take my advice, you need to up your game or your days as the nation's First Cat could be numbered.

Fortunately for you, I have a solution in mind: you and I could form the world's first cat coalition. Before you dismiss the idea, remember that an unlikely coalition managed to get your owner into No 10 against the odds, and what's good enough for the Prime Minister is, surely, good enough for the Prime Minister's Cat.

I too am a cat with a career, a cat who is going places. Like you, I am familiar with the workings of the press, often having to defend my behaviour under the spotlight of public scrutiny. But please be reassured that under our coalition arrangement I would not steal your limelight. You are the feline face of No 10, and you would still get all the glory. I would simply be the power behind your throne... Peter Mandelson to your Gordon Brown, if you will.

Our mission statment could be Putting Cats at the Heart of the Big Society. That would be right up your owner's street, no?

In brief, here's how I see our manifesto:

• A clampdown on illegal rodent immigration. Any rodent will have to demonstrate a minimum standard of English before being granted residency on British streets.


• No-fly zones for birds in residential areas during cat nap-times.


• One cat, one vote (on what should be served for dinner).


• An immediate ban on the barbaric use of rectal thermometers on cats.

Simple, but effective, and I'm sure you'll agree Larry, that these are not just feline values, but universal values. I believe that, individually, we are great, but together, we are stronger. Our relationship would thrive because it advances our common interests and shared values. It is a perfect alignment of what we both need and what we both believe. Ours is not just a special relationship, it is an essential relationship - for us and for the world. *

A cat coalition, Larry. You know it makes sense.

I look forward to hearing your thoughts but in the meantime, remember, those mice won't catch themselves!

Kindest regards,

Nancy (the cat)

*I believe your owner borrowed my words for a speech when Obama popped in to No 10 for a barbecue. Power behind the throne, you see...